Afterlife

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“Office” the sign of the door says. We’re at a shrink, in a small room, decorated like a public environment, all state constitutions are. Boring and meaningless.
There are two people in the office, the shrink and a man. They’ve just started to speak to each other, and they both have many things to confess.



I


- I feel hollow. And I can’t understand why. I have an average life, even better than average, and I have a charming wife and a half-year-old daughter. I should not be feeling like this. I’ve just begun my real life. I’ve got married and now I got a baby to think of, I’m not a bachelor anymore. I should be filled with life, hope; but I’m not feeling all that. In most things I do, I just see disappointment and anger. I can’t have fun anymore, not like I used to before. Now it’s all about duties.
- I understand. I guess you’ve thought about this for a long time now, because it seems like you have realistic and down-to-earth-thoughts about all this. Have you ever thought of any reasons to why you’re feeling like this? Like you said, your life has just begun its serious part. And it isn’t always that easy to leave the bachelor life and forming a family. You’ve just passed thirty and have a half-year-old daughter. What are the major differences to now from then?
- I never thought about it like that, I think. When I was a bachelor my life, I suppose, was more free. I was not bound to anything, and I could do that I felt to do. No one was never disappointed on me for being late home, or not having done that and that. And so on. And, the only one I’d to think about was I. Now I got a family to think about, they need care, love and money. And to accomplish that is not always easy.
- No, it is a quite big problem for many families. Having a child is a very expensive addition to the family. To create a good atmosphere for your family they need love, money and care, like you said. Suddenly you’ve to buy napkins, pram, clothes, and toys: to have a child is not cheap and with it comes duties. And because of that you maybe have to work more, in order to be able to afford all that. And you feel stressed about all that spent of money and all the duties that I think you feel is unrealistic, and disappointed because you don’t get to spend your time among the family. Am I right?
- Well. I suppose. But I have a great job and I make a lot of money, I never felt I’m working to hard.
- Do you work harder now than before?
- No. I don’t. I’ve always worked the same and it has worked for me for a long time.
- Do you want to know a secret? Men, sometimes, don’t know when they work too hard and too long. But the children and the wife of yours do. And, do you go home from work, when you go home? Fuzzy question, but when you go home, you should leave the job at work and think about your family. With a great job as you have... What did you work with now again? You are a lawyer, right? With a great job like that it’s easy to bring the job home. Do you do that?
- I’ve never felt I’m working too much on my spare time, but sometimes I’ll have to work at home, my job demands it. But often that is late nights, and then my wife and daughter are asleep. Thus in my opinion I’m fully concentrated on my family at home, and I work at home at most one night per week, in general. But who knows what my wife thinks?
- Your wife could be having a completely different image of you and your job than you. It should be interesting to ask her that. But first, what do you do an ordinary day when you come home?
- I usually come home around six o’clock and then my wife’s cooked dinner. We’re enjoying our meal, my wife’s an excellent cook, and I socialise with her. Unfortunately my daughter is already asleep when I come home. She needs a lot of sleep. Actually that is quite depressive. If I could I would spend more time with her. But I try to not think of it, thinking I have to work to earn money.
- I see a problem just here. You contradict yourself here! Right now you said you had no time with your daughter but before you told me you had. So when do you have time with her? In the weekends?
- I have time with my daughter! But it isn’t that much in the weekdays. But in the weekends we’re all together. My family is the most important thing I have. But sometimes I forget about them, and working instead.
- Did you just lie? It seems like you’re taking your job home. Even if your daughter sleeps, you can spend time with your wife. And if I was you I should go down to par time so that you could have some time with your daughter. It is now she is starting to know people and start addicting herself to her parents. It’s the best time in a children’s life, and you’re going to miss it.
- But also, I have to make money! We must make a living, without my job, we should have nothing. And I know that’s a problem. Off course I want to spend more time with my daughter, but everyone’s not happy enough to afford taking a year off to be with their child. If I did that, my wife would be forced to work. My daughter needs her mother, maybe more than she needs me.
- Doesn’t she need her father?
- Off course. But I’ll have to prior: my daughter, or the money. The only thing I could ever choose is the work. Without my work she would have her father but nothing else. People need to live somewhere. Off course you understand that.
- Yes. But I want you to think in another perspective. Try to see the whole problem through my eyes. What would you recommend me to do?
- To spend more time with your family obviously. But are you listening? It doesn’t work like that for men like me in the society today. Or in all time, men have always earned money to take care of the family. And women have been home handle the housekeeping. Men make money, women make housekeeping and children: rule of evolution.
- Isn’t it time for a change?
- This society needs many changes. That is only one in the bucket. This conversation is going too far maybe? Aren’t you a shrink? You’re supposed to help me, not ask me why men do that and women do that and blabla.
- I’m just trying to make you realize your life isn’t liveable.
- To make it liveable I must do the impossible? Can you find another reason to why I’m feeling like this? This bores me; we’re just fighting back and forth. Do you want me to change the whole world and replace the man and women rules? You want men to be home and women seeking their career. That’s not possible for me to do! You should go to a politic with your opinion, that’s one thing for sure.
- Oh, stop it. You are a workaholic, it’s so clear. You deny you work too much; you don’t spend your time with your family. All you got in your fathead is work. And before we can continue, you must realize that. Because that’s an important knowledge to have in order to continue our work as planned. Without you knowing this, my work is hopeless. How can I help you be gone from your problem, when you say it’s not a problem? Or, the reason of the problem. You must realize. Come down to earth.
- No. You have wrong. I am not a workaholic. Like I said, I have to work to take care of my family.
- Well. If that’s not the reason why, tell me why? Why do you feel like this?
- That is your task to find! But it seems you can’t help me?
- I can’t help the ones who don’t want my help.
- I want your help, but you’re not helping me out here. You’re just conspiring against me.
- Maybe you don’t know. What does your wife feel about this? Have you ever spoke with her about this? Does she even have a clue?
- No. I don’t feel I can tell her everything. She’s fragile, and would think it was her fault. I would tell her it wasn’t but it wouldn’t work anyway. So I decided not to tell her anything long time ago. And I don’t know what she thinks about my work, she has never started a discussion about it anyway. But who knows. Maybe she’s hiding it, like me.
- Well, time’s up. See you next week, and please think about that’s been told here today, and if I were you I should ask your wife about all this.



II


- I spoke to your wife yesterday on the phone.
- But why? I didn’t want her to know anything about this! I thought you had confidentiality? You shouldn’t have done that!
- But I did! And your wife deserves to know.
- You should not be the one being angry. You have betrayed me! But sins you did it I want to know exactly that she told you.
- She took it surprisingly good. She knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t tell what. She’d felt that for a long time, and she saw you slipping round her fingers and she said you’ve lost control and became more obsessed with your work. She didn’t feel precious to you. And then I asked her if she knew any reasons to why you should feel like this but she didn’t know. She had tried figure it out, wondering if it was her. But you say it wasn’t. Although she claimed herself, and she felt regret. I asked her more about your work and she nearly became angry. I heard on her voice that is was a very painful subject. I heard her regretting voice whisper slowly that it wasn’t your fault. I guess she felt hate against your job, and hated what you worked among criminals. She told me you were a workaholic. You seem shocked?
- Oh yes I am. I’m shocked you could do this. I still can’t understand how you used your position and I feel there abused and I’m shocked about what my wife told you. I feel hate and regret against myself. Because maybe it is time for me to realize I really am a workaholic.
- I understand, but I felt I had to do this to make you understand. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but one day you’ll thank me. Because without me asking your wife, I never think we should ever make this right. Do you still want to get rid of your problem and your regret and your hollowness? Your wife is wondering where the man she married is. She doesn’t recognize you anymore. After your promotion you started to work more, but it was too late for you to separate. She was pregnant with your first daughter. She felt she lost you more and more, and saw you aim at work, and she felt forgotten and lonely. And at the birth of your child it all became better for a while, but when it all went down again. And finally your wife called me and wanted me to help her. And now you’re here, to help yourself and your wife to become happy again, together.
- Hum… I need something to drink. Please, can we take a break? I can’t handle this no more.



The shrink nods and leaves the office and go down the hall. There is a water machine in the waiting room. And on the seats they sit, the lonely souls and disturbed minds waiting for their own Jesus. The shrink walks down the hall with a glass of water in her left hand. The man has under the brake walked back and forth in the small room. He has sat down calm and thought. And he has rubbed his forehead in despair. And now he sits calm in the chair. His face isn’t revealing anything.



- You’re right. I’m a workaholic. God, I hate that word. I have worked too much for a time now, and I hate it. But I have been forced to. Deep inside I’ve always known it but I’ve cursed the thought and hid it in the back of my mind.
- I’m glad you finally realized. And now when you’ve realized this I am going to tell you a secret. Think again. When did all this started? Do you remember that particular case? I know one you don’t, though you’d supposed to. I can assure you it is in the back of your mind, you just cursed and fled that memory. Something painful caused you and this was then you started feeling like this, although you’ve never thought about it. But it isn’t my task to tell you what. That, you need to figure out for yourself.
- I don’t understand anything you’re saying. What is this shit? Tell me about all my life! You don’t know me, just because we have had some conversations! I’m your patient, not you’re friend. We don’t share the same memories, you never even met me so how can you come and say this to me? I think it is time for me to leave. You can’t help me anymore anyway. You just accusing me for things you don’t have a clue about. So just fuck off!
- You sit down! We are going to finish this, even if you want it or not. This is the most important conversation in your whole life! Sit down. I knew you should react like this, but that’s the chance I had to take. Because I want to help you. I am the only one who knows why you’re so lost and so hollow. So please, just sit down.
- No, I don’t want to listen anymore! I’m leaving.
- Do you want to feel like this all your life!? I am the key to happiness, love, and life itself. And so you know, the door is locked. The way out is through me. You don’t have a choice. Now sit down. Let us speak like we did before, calm down, and I’ll calm down.
- I am calm.
- Now sit down and calm down. Drink some more water. You should think about what I said to you before. Would you please answer when all this started, and why? I know you know, that is why you blow up like this!
- Before I answer your question, I have a question. Why did you have all that moral speech before? If this is the thing you want to talk about? It seems like you’re putting all your energy into this, to make me understand, whatever it is I am going to understand. You touched me for a second there, but I still can’t understand why you’re doing it. You’re just a shrink, but you’re acting like God. Do you think you know me in detail, because I tell you things I’ve never told anyone else? Because you’re a shrink? Does what give you the feeling of power? Of knowing another people’s feelings? That title, therapist, I’m sure it makes a whole damn difference. Without what title you’d be no one. And that’s the tricky part. I don’t need an answer, I know it already. You wanted me to realize I’m a workaholic. I’d always know it; I’m just frightened of it. That I’m a workaholic makes me sick and hollow. Being a workaholic with a newborn child is my nightmare. I despite my friends whom never thinks of other things than work. They sit up all night, overambitious; think that the job is all they got. Off course, that’s the only thing they care about. Everything has a connection to it. Maybe you wanted me to realize that, because that is a reason why I feel hollow. I don’t want to work all the time. I want to spend time with my daughter, and my wife. If I could, I should take a year free to be with my daughter. I want her to grow up with her dad. Why’s it so hard? Why doesn’t everything go as planned? Sorry…. I just can’t stop the tears. It hurts me so deep. I don’t want this life.
- It is hard. I’m relieved you’ve realized it. But everyone isn’t lucky enough to have another chance. Your chance is gone. Now we need to go deeper. You know it in your heart. You feel the emotions, there’s a reason why. Look into yourself and answer my question.
- It started at work. We had a trial, of a murderer. I was his lawyer. It all went wrong that day. I rather forget about it. But I understand it’s important. So, I’ll remember.
- Tell me everything about that day. And if you need to, cry.
- I was nervous already on the evening before; I was going through all important documents. He was a murderer and had killed and raped a twelve year old girl, leaving her in the river to rotten. It was a hard case. I had strong emotions; I’d have to help a cold blooded murderer to get free from his crime. What I really wanted was to have him executed. But I was his defender, and I got money for it, so I was forced to. I felt hollow and emotionless helping a murderer! I can’t still understand, that is what I do all day. But this day something happened that changed me. I had to put all my feelings aside and then the case was over I never took them back I think. I became that cold-hearted workaholic I’ve been scared for in my nightmares. The next day I was standing in the court defending a fucking child raper and killer! I don’t remember much of it; I was in a fuzzy dream, shut off all my feelings. I felt nothing at all. I did not feel hunger for not eating since the evening before, I did not feel attraction from caffeine although I’d not drank coffee since who-know-then, I did not feel regret about the whole situation. I just did my job, acting like a cold blooded murderer myself. Suddenly I woke up from my fuzzy dream and we took a brake for deliberation. I took my client to a private room. How could I be that stupid, being lonely with a killer? I think I realized I’ve been on stand off mode, and probably I didn’t defend him to much. I don’t know that happened, but suddenly he reached a pen and throw himself on me. I felt nothing. I just saw the blood on my hands, and all over him. I look down on my stomach realizing the pen was stubbed deep into it. I saw the pure blood streaming down my belly on the carpet. I screamed. The last thing I remember was the ambulance. They put me into machines and three men checked my pulse, tried to stop the bleeding, gave me air. Then I woke up at the hospital, relieved I was alive. My wife sat in the room and slept, she’d probably been there for the last days. Then I came home I started to feel hollow and nothing was like it was before. I took some free time from the work for rehab and I could be with my wife who was going to giving birth at any time. Then my daughter came, and I forgot the bad feelings for a while. But they returned. And for a year now, they’ve got even worse. Then I came here, talking to you. And the rest is history. Now I really want to know what it is you’re hiding from me.
- It’s time for you to face the truth. But do not think it will be easy. But I’m here to help you. You know that. That day, a year from now, was the day you died. You died inside, and your flesh died. That pen was your death. Then you woke up at the hospital you were dead. I’ll not tell you not to cry. All tears are not evil, and I see that you love your family. You’d do anything to wake up there on the hospital, being alive. You’re a good man, on the inside you really are a good man. Remember all man can be evil, and all man can change. It is time for you to change and become that good honourable man you once were. Don’t make the same mistake again.
- What are you saying? I need something to prove this! This can’t be true! I know I felt hollow, but I could never imagine I was dead! Is this how it is to die? To live your life as usual, not knowing your dead? That feels impossible. I can’t believe you. I am not dead. I’m just a man with a problem that needs to be solved, I can’t be dead! That’s impossible!
- Think again. What happened to all your feelings? You said yourself you had to put them aside while that case and that you never took them back again. You have no feelings anymore. This is the first time you showed your feelings in nearly one year, and that is because you have come to knowledge. You have faced your problem, and regain your feelings.
- But no.
- All I can say is: you have a new chance. Take it. I...