Cleopatra - The Soap

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Hi and welcome to a somewhat different paper on the life of Cleopatra VII. Before we start I just want to make clear to all you who read this that the rumour and myth of Cleopatra being a beauty queen is nothing more than a myth. She had in fact many masculine features and a strange nose. Now… on with the show.

The story of Cleopatra is a story filled with brutality, love, incest, murder and cunning women. Sounds to me like your everyday soap opera. And yes. The story of Cleopatra is somewhat of a soap opera. Therefore I’ll write the basic story of her life as a “soap”. And remember, this is my version. Everything might not be historically correct.

-------------------------------------#C L E O P A T R A#----------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------Episode 1------------------------------------------------

Narrator: The year is 48 B.C. … Egypt is in great trouble. The Princess Cleopatra is in exile, driven from her country by Achilles and Theodotas. However, she’s begun to amass an army at the borders of Egypt.
In another part of the world, Pompey is fleeing from Julius Caesar…
Pompey: Oh man! I never though that I could lose like that. Pharsalos looked like such an easy catch. Caesar is going to kill me… Wait I know! I’ll seek refuge in Egypt. Ptolemy isn’t more than 12 by now and won’t mind if I crash for a while. *Sly smile*
In Egypt Pompey is expected but not welcome. Ptolemy has been advised not to mess with Caesar. And helping one of Caesar’s enemies is definitely messing around.
Pompey’s boat arrives at Alexandria…
Pompey: Oh, Ptolemy! Long time no see old fri….Ughhh
Pompey is stabbed and killed before the Pharaoh.

Narrator: But Pompey is not the only one interested in controlling Egypt. Three days later Julius Caesar arrives to Alexandria.
Ptolemy’s advisors step up to Caesar and gives him a present.
Caesar: What is this?
Advisors: It’s something to show you how much we care about you
Caesar: It’s a rotting head…
Advisors: Not just any head. It’s the head of Pompey, you know, the guy you hated.
Caesar: Pompey was my friend! You fuckers! I’m going to take over this city and see forth that you are fed to lions.
Advisors: Hey! Don’t shoot the messenger. This was all Ptolemy’s fault.
Caesar: And where is he?
Advisors: Well, he’s out of town. No one’s in the palace really. Anyone could just walse in and take over…. Doh!
Caesar: Out of my way lion-food. I’m taking over!

Narrator: When Caesar had taken control and Ptolemy came back, Cleopatra saw this as a perfect opportunity to smuggle herself inside Alexandria.
Man: Rug! Rug for Caesar.
Caesar: I didn’t order any rug.
Man: Oh-I’m-sorry-I’ll-just-leave-it-here-then-bye
Caesar: I wonder…
Suddenly Cleopatra jumps up from the carpet.
Caesar: Oh my! What a beautiful lady.
Cleopatra: Hey there big boy.
Cleopatra and Caesar has lots of sex right away.

Narrator: The next morning, Cleopatra and Caesar wakes up and Cleopatra goes for a stroll.
Suddenly, she bumps into Ptolemy.
Ptolemy: What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Syria.
Cleopatra: Syria could never hold me. I was drawn back to Egypt because this is…
Caesar: Woohoooo? Where’s my little sphinx? Cutchi cutchi cooo…
Ptolemy: You’re sleeping with Caesar? You false, double-crossing, sly camel salesman!
Ptolemy rushes out of the palace
Ptolemy: I’ve been betrayed! I’ve been betrayed! I’ve been…
Roman guard: Hrmm, come with me please.
Ptolemy is captured and put in prison.

Narrator: This caused a lot of tension in Egypt and even started the Alexandrian war between Alexandria (Caesar, Cleopatra) and the Pharaoh’s army (Arsione, Ponthius). It didn’t end before Ponthius was killed in battle and Ptolemy drowned in the Nile while escaping. Arsione was also captured. Since Ptolemy was dead, Cleopatra had to get a new co-regent.
Cleopatra: Oh, Caesar how I’d love to rule with you, but it can never be. We are from different countries. And our laws forbid it.
Caesar: Cleopatra, I feel the same… I know, you can marry our brother
Cleopatra: What is it with you and incest?
Caesar: no, no. it’s not like that. If you keep him as a co-regent, you’ll be single ruler and the throne will stay in your family.
Cleopatra: And according to our laws, incest isn’t forbidden at all.
Caesar: Who wrote those twisted sick-ass laws anyway?
Cleopatra: Old wise men…
Caesar: Oh… Wise men… of course…

Narrator: Cleopatra and Ptolemy XIV (who was 11 years old) had to marry to please the priests of Alexandria. Even though they weren’t in love, Cleopatra successfully managed to keep face and hide her deep affection for Caesar. One of the only people she could trust was her friend Brahm, the gynaecologist.

Brahm: time for our monthly checkup.
Cleopatra: Brahm, If you really, really love someone
Brahm: I’m going to touch your leg now…
Cleopatra: Shouldn’t you be able to tell everyone about it?
Brahm: You’re pregnant.
Cleopatra: I mean, it’s my choice who I wanna… what did you say?
Brahm: You’re pregnant… but how?
Cleopatra: Oh I’m so happy. I’m carrying Caesar’s child. It must have been all that sex we had.
Brahm: You had sex with Caesar? But you’re married.
Cleopatra: But I don’t love Ptolemy! I love Caesar!
Brahm: Then go on a trip with him. And you must tell him it’s his child.

Narrator: Cleopatra wanted to tell Caesar but she was afraid that he would denounce it as his child and leave her. So she took him for a love cruise along the Nile. For two months they sailed and sailed. And Cleopatra was beginning to show…

Cleopatra: I think it’s been two lovely month’s Julius. And I have something to tell you…
Caesar: I have something to tell you too honey. Can I go first?
Cleopatra: Well, mine’s kinda important…
Caesar: Well, mine’s too. I’m going to travel back to Rome tomorrow. The senate is losing faith in me and my friend Marcus Brutus is angry at me. By the way, your getting pretty fat. Maybe you should cut back on the figs? What was it you wanted to say?
Cleopatra: Nothing *sob*. It can wait…

Narrator: Awww, poor Cleopatra, pregnant and abandoned. Well however, she gave birth to Caesar’s child a time later.

Cleopatra: Isn’t he cute? I think I’ll name him Ptolemy Caesar.
Maiden: No, you can’t do that. Caesar will be really angry if you say the child is his. He’s married you know.
Cleopatra: Angry you say? *sly smile* Also, I will nickname him Caesarion.
Maiden: That will really, really make him mad.
Cleopatra: Know what would make him reeeeeaaally mad?
Cleopatra steps out on the balcony. Half of Alexandria is watching.
Cleopatra: Hey everybody! This is my son. His name is Ptolemy Caesar.
Mob: Mumble mumble Caesar? Mumble mumble!
Cleopatra: That’s right! He’s the son of Julius Caesar.

Narrator: Time passed and finally one day Caesar sends for Cleopatra. She travels to Rome to visit Caesar. Upon arrival, she is invited to watch the grand parade at Caesar’s side.

Cleopatra: It’s really nice to be here.
Caesar: And I love that you’re here. Thanks for all the gifts by the way. I hope you don’t mind me displaying them in the parade.
Cleopatra: Actually, you made them look like spoils of war.
Caesar: Well, that’s one way to see it…
Cleopatra: And another way is…?
Caesar: Huh?
Cleopatra: Nevermind. I hear the people shout something but I can’t make out what it is.
Mob: CAESAR’S WHORE!!! CAESAR’S WHORE!!!
Caesar: uhh.. I can’t really make it out… I think they’re just glad to see me.
Mob: CAESAR’S WHORE!!! CAESAR’S WHORE!!!
Cleopatra: Probably..

Narrator: Alas, the people of Rome did not fancy that Caesar had an affair with a foreigner. Nor would they what Cleopatra was about to do next…
A saturday night at the fancy banquet

Caesar: Welcome everybody to my fancy banquet. An especially warm welcome to Cleopatra.
Caesar raises his glass. Cleopatra blushes.
Man: Well, My wife and me we have a gift to show our appreciation. It’s a shield…
Caesar: Thank you simple man, your generosity is appreciated.
Marc Anthony: I have a gift too. It’s a horse
Caesar: Marc, that’s very grand of you. Just don’t bring it in here. Hehehehe
Brutus: I have a present too. It’s a Dagger!
Caesar: Well, thank you Brutus… that’s a nice dagger. Well, let the banquet begin.
Cleopatra: Wait! I also have a gift to Caesar. It’s his son Caesarion.
Cleopatra reveals the child. Everyone oooooohhhs.
Caesar: That’s just silly, how could you have given birth to my child when I’m married to…
Oh yes, that’s right… I cheated. Bummer!
People faint from shock
Caesar: This wasn’t very good. But since the child is mine, I’ll take him in my arms and call him mine. What is his name?
Cleopatra: Ptolemy Caesar.
Caesar: Caesar?!? Since when do you get to give your children my holy name?
Cleopatra: I’ll name my child whatever I want. You don’t control me, I’m a woman you know.
Caesar: Yes, but..
Cleopatra: I need my space!!!
Caesar: What spac…
Cleopatra: You’re suffocating me!!!

Narrator: Caesar and Cleopatra fought all night long but in the morning they made up and Caesar promised to raise a gold statue of Cleopatra in the senate building. The senate was more and more losing faith and respect for Caesar. People were saying that he intended to proclaim himself king and make Cleopatra his wife. And one day…

Caesar: Hi guys! I’m glad you sent for me about this secret-private-emergency-meeting that we needed to have. So, what is it about?
Brutus: It’s about the future of Rome…
Caesar: Oh, really. That’s interesting. Hey, that’s the dagger you gave me at the banquet? Uh… why are you guys all staring at me like that?
Stab, stab, stab, stab! Bleed, bleed, stab, stab, scream, stab, bleed and bleed.
Caesar: Et tu Brute?

Narrator: Caesar dies in front of the senate at the hands of his good friend Marcus Brutus.
What is to come? Don’t miss the next episode of #C L E O P A T R A#

-------------------------------------#C L E O P A T R A#----------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------Episode 2------------------------------------------------

Narrator: Caesar’s death brought immediate danger to Cleopatra, so she fled back to Egypt where everything sucked. Famine was as common as plastic bags in Sweden today and people died like lemmings. So Cleopatra did the only thing she could have done, she murdered Ptolemy XIV and married her 4-year old son (uhh?). In Rome a triumvirate was formed between Mark Anthony, Octavian and Lepidus. Two years after the death of Caesar, Mark Anthony invited Cleopatra back to Egypt.

Cleopatra: Well, if were going back to Egypt we should arrive with as bad taste as possible.
Servant: Why is that?
Cleopatra: Simple, we are going to see Mark Anthony. And Mark Anthony has no taste.
Let’s get this boat rocking! I want Silver oars, purple sails, Nerid handmaids, I want an Aphrodite suit for me and I want you to dress as a cherub and fan me as we sail.
Servant: Hahahaha… that’s funny. You’re kidding right
Cleopatra: Do I look like I’m kidding?
Cleopatra sails in her vulgar ship to Rome where Mark Anthon meets her with big surprise.
M.A.: Man! That ship is da bomb Cleopatra.
Cleopatra: Thank you Mark. By the way, I’m having a very small party at my boat tonight. Wanna come?
M.A.: Sure, I’ll be there.

Narrator: That night Mark and Cleopatra have a great time. Mark wants to return the favour and invites Cleopatra to his palace the next night.
The next night…
Cleopatra: This has just been great Mark.
M.A.: Yeah, but your party was way better. It beats mine with a horse’s ass. Hahahahahaha!
Cleopatra: ha…ha..haaaa…
M.A.: I like you Cleopatra, your the kinda girl I’d like to do over. What do you say?
Cleopatra: Your place or mine?
M.A.: Yours of course.

Narrator: Said and done, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony spent the winter in Alexandria and what was supposed to be a one night stand became a relationship…
Cleopatra and Mark returns from the hunt…
Cleopatra: Whooo boy, that was fun. I never thought killing stuff could be so entertaining.
M.A.: Too bad you’re a woman or you could have joined the army.
Cleopatra: That’s OK, They always let me watch when you fight and practice.
M.A.: Well who can resist your charm?
Cleopatra: No one who wants to keep his head Hahahahaahahaaa!
M.A.: Hahahahahahaahahaaa
Cleopatra: So what should we do now? Play dice, Drink insane amounts of wine or just have raw animal sex?
M.A.: Well, This might not be…
Cleopatra: Or should we do all of them?
M.A.: Cleopatra, I cannot lie to you any longer. I love this life I’m living and I love you but I’m needed. Rome needs me and I need Rome. I cannot stay with you any longer, but I’ll always treasure our nights of insane drinking and raw animal sex.
Cleopatra: No Mark, you can’t leave me. I’ve been left once and I don’t know if my heart can survive being left again.
Mark grabs a hold of Cleopatra by her shoulders
M.A.: Listen to me, you re the queen of Egypt, the most powerful woman ever. You can and you will get yourself through this.
Mark leaves the room and Cleopatra goes to see Brahm, the gynaecologist.
Cleopatra: Brahm, I need to talk to you.
Brahm: I have the test results from your pregnancy test…
Cleopatra: Nevermind them, Anthony have left me.
Brahm: Well then I probably shouldn’t tell you that you’re pregnant again. Oops.
Cleopatra: Pregnant?

Narrator: Poor Cleopatra. Pregnant and abandoned… again. Guess she never learns.
However, six months later Cleopatra gave birth to a twin boy and girl. She named them Cleopatra Seleme and Alexander Helios. Back in Rome at that time, Mark had just married Octavia (Octaviu’s sister) and had two daughters with her. Years would pass before Cleopatra and Mark would see each other again. But one day when Mark was about to invade Parthia… they met.

Cleopatra: So… mister I-just-leave-whoever-I-want-and-then-come-crawling-back is crawling back to me?
M.A.: Cleopatra honey, I’m so glad to see you.
Cleopatra: Don’t you “Cleopatra honey” me! Do you know about your two children?
M.A.: Do you know about my two children?
Cleopatra: Of course you slob. I gave birth to them!
M.A. I’m confused…
Cleopatra: As ever… Just read what the narrator says on the last page.
M.A.: Hmmm, abandoned…. Pregnant…. Two children. Aha! Now I get it.
Cleopatra: What’s that after the names of my twins? Back in Rome…
M.A.: (Quick. Think!) Will you marry me? (Yes. Great you ass-head. Perfect thing to say.)
Cleopatra: Oh but Mark… I don’t know, It came so suddenly. I have to think about it.
M.A.: No problem, just forget about it (Phew!)
Cleopatra: I’ve thought about it. And yes I will marry you.
M.A. Great (shit!) I’m so happy! (I need to think before I speak)

Narrator: So Mark Anthony and Cleopatra marry and live happily for a while. After having provoked Rome by naming themselves the new Isis and the new Dionysios, Rome proclaim war. This was also somewhat because that Mark Anthony gave away Syria to Ptolemy Caesar.
The war was very messy and is nothing that should be dealt with here. What happened in short is that both Cleopatra’s and Mark Anthony’s troops got their asses kicked by Octavian.
Back in Alexandria Cleopatra has realised that impending doom is in the air.

M.A.: Hi honey! What are you doing?
Cleopatra: Just some experiments. What do you think kills me the best? Cyanide or Venom?
M.A.: You’re not going to kill yourself? Are you?
Cleopatra: Of course not, silly boy.
Slave: Where should I put all your gold, pearls and misc. valuables?
Cleopatra: Oh, put them in my mausoleum.
M.A.: Yes, you are going to kill yourself. Why are you denying it?
Cleopatra: Anthony, Anthony… No one is going to die.

Narrator: A time later, Octavian attacks Alexandria. Mark Anthony is prepared to fight.

M.A.: Forward men!
Three soldiers: Right behind you sir.
M.A. Now we’ll reach high ground where we should be able to see our fleet devour the enemy. But… why aren’t they fighting?
Three soldiers: seems like they’re siding with the enemy.
M.A.: Shoot. Well, I still have my trusted chivalry.
Three soldiers: You mean the chivalry that’s siding with the enemy as we speak?
M.A. Dammit! Well, I have you boys?
Three soldiers: Not really, were going to go side with the enemy too now.

Narrator: Mark Anthony flees battle and angry as hell returns to the palace where Cleopatra has locked herself in. Cleopatra’s servants tell Mark that she’s dead. Mark Anthony runs to his chamber where his servant Eros awaits.

M.A.: Faith has now snatched away your only reason for living Mark! Why delay any longer?
Take my sword Eros and strike me down! I have nothing to live for!
Eros: uhhhh…. Ahhhhh!
Eros kills himself instead
M.A. Well done Eros! You show your master how to do what you didn’t have heart to do yourself.
Anthony stabs himself and passes out on a couch, a sliver from death
Cleopatra’s secretary steps in
Secretary: Cleopatra would like to see you.
M.A.: My little honey-bird is alive? I must live long enough to be able to see her once more.
Anthony hops to Cleopatra’s mausoleum where he finds her alive.
M.A.: They told me you were dead...
Cleopatra: I’m not dead, but you are hurt my lord, my emperor... my husband.
M.A.: Do not pity me Cleopatra, instead remember our past happiness...
Cleopatra: Noooo!!! You can’t die. Oh cruel faith why have you once again snatched the man I love from my arms. Are you so willing to plunge me into despair and even... death?
Octavian’s troops reaches Cleopatra’s mausoleum.
Octavian: Come out so I can torture and humiliate you.
Cleopatra: No! Never! You killed my husband.
Octavian: *whispers* Guards, climb through the window and capture her
Guards: Yes sir!
Octavian: I didn’t kill your husband. You did!
Cleopatra: I would never kill Mark. I loved him.
Octavian: And he loved you. He loved you so much that when he heard that you were dead he tried to kill himself. Mark Anthony died by his own hand.
Cleopatra: That... t-that’s a lie.
Soldiers enter through a window
Cleopatra: You’ll never get me alive!
Cleopatra reveals a dagger and tries to kill herself, she is disarmed and captured.

Narrator: Poor Cleopatra. Abandoned and pregnant again... oh, not pregnant? Oh well, at least she’s all alon...